A Pool Party then Caving, Courtesy of the NHS

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Whilst I might prefer to forget it, every good series deserves a cliffhanger as well as a grand finale. So continuing my recent episodes on hospital visits, I'm going to report on yesterday's little trip which I am now hoping will be the last I have to make for a long time, certainly in connection with this particular problem, anyway.

You will recall that the Nurse rang last Thursday to say the results of the previous tests were contradictory and, therefore, inconclusive.  When she said that they would like me to go back in so they could just have a little look up there, I knew, of course, that she was lying. A diagnostic examination? Possibly, but there's always the fear of a little more, not least when she said I needed to have that COVID 19 swab test and had to make sure to take a couple of painkillers; I hadn't required either of those before the biopsy the previous week and that was hardly pleasant.

Trembling with trepidation, I nonetheless presented myself again at the hospital and unlike the earlier visit, everybody was very much in masks and I was handed one to wear too. An outline of the process was given to me and I queried why it had been necessary to have the test the previous day. 

"You'll have heard of the risk of airborne aerosol spray during procedures," she explained, causing me, for some strange reason, to imagine silly string and pool parties despite being unfamiliar with both.

"Oh and I'll send the surgical instrument in with the camera, so if we see anything, I can deal with it!" Didn't I just know it.

"I can say no, if it's too painful?" I pleaded.

"Of course," she replied, "We don't do torture here... but just sign the consent form, if you don't mind."

So there I was, lying back, legs open, on my pool party sun lounger; I was bottomless (it's the new topless) and then out comes the camera.  "Thank goodness we've moved on from Box Brownies," I muttered as it was pushed into the woman who couldn't open her mouth wide enough for a swab test.

Two nurses who were assisting and presumably, I was convinced, strong enough to hold me down, began to make inane conversation about enjoying chilli con carne ready meals from a local supermarket. I know they were just trying to distract me but I rolled my eyes. Give the hysteroscopist her due, she at least said I didn't have to engage and I concentrated instead on breathing deeply.

"Would you like to watch?"

I nodded, and turned my head to view what appeared to be a caving video.  Never assume that retirement marks the end of adventures.

"Why look at this," she exclaimed as we reached a vast cavern. "I think we should take it out with us."

One of the nurses pointed to a stalactite that had appeared on the screen in front of me. I froze. This was what I had been fearing. I have undergone this procedure before but it was under a general anaesthetic and suddenly those 2 paracetamol seemed rather inadequate.

I know that deep underground, with head torches illuminating the way ahead, is hardly the time to start an argument but I heard a pathetic voice bleat, "Will it hurt?"

I don't know why I bothered to ask the question, I already knew that the answer would be reassuring but whether it would be accurate or not was another matter .

Then another voice, far more strident this time, called out, "Do it!"

Just exactly how many people were down there with me?

I didn't have time to count and I didn't feel any pain either. Next thing the film crew was retreating at break neck speed, back up the passageway with its prize possession, looking for the nearest sample jar. It wasn't quite like beers in the pub afterwards but sadly is probably as close as I'm going to get during lockdown.



Comments

Treaders said…
I'm glad everything went well and you had no pain. It's like all the horror stories people tell you about mammograms isn't it. I was pretty nervous first time but it really was no big deal (as long as the fire alarm didn't go off while I was trapped inside that contraption)!
11 June 2020 at 18:26
Caree Risover said…
Grief! That was one scenario I hadn’t even considered!
11 June 2020 at 19:16
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