Choking Up

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Where there's life there's hope, they say. Do not believe them; it is not true. When life is ending and there is no cure, there is no hope: only acceptance or blinding rage and then acceptance.

Yesterday was a bad day. I know what sadness feels like but that doesn't make it easier to confront. As I grow older, my experience increases but it doesn't inure. Covid 19 makes a bad dream a thousand times worse and adds to the toll. The restrictions impede daily life, contact and support for those coping with the illness of a family member. The tragic circumstances continue regardless.

To see you back at home in your living room in a hospital bed, propped up on pillows in sedated sleep was strangely comforting. After weeks of enforced rules and separation, it was a relief to see you at last.

To converse, albeit I did the talking and you, I trust, listened, was calming and the silent pauses meaningful. To hold your hand felt right, even with the barrier of a latex glove. As I left, I bent to kiss your cheek but there was a mask between us and I didn't let it brush your face. I hesitated beside you instead, before I left the room for another to take my place. I hope you noticed.

To know that you are pain-free and restful is reassuring. We are hurting but want no suffering for you.

I deliberately avoided saying goodbye. Even when hope has faded, there is still delusion.

When I returned home, I wanted to call you, to tell you all about my day but I know that is no longer possible.

Dear sister, I love you.



Comments

Royce Shook said…
Caree, thank you for sharing I am so sorry to read about your sister. Losing a loved one is very hard, and no words of sympathy can make up for your pain, but my heart goes out to you and your family.
12 December 2020 at 00:12
Jeanette Lewis said…
Our siblings know more about us than do parents or friends. Losing a sister or brother is like losing a part of oneself. I trust that you will cherish memories of happier times. Hugs to you.
12 December 2020 at 14:30
Treaders said…
That must be so unbearable. I can't even begin to think about losing my oldest sister in England. She has been my rock my entire life! Sending you big hugs (to you and your sister)!
13 December 2020 at 16:15
Jennyff said…
Such a moving post, I hope it helped you a little to share the pain you have to bear. I am so sorry.
19 December 2020 at 21:47
Kathy @ SMART Living 365 said…
Dear Caree. I have a painting in my living room of women reaching for the sun. Its title is, "The sun always rises." While nothing else likely makes sense to you right now, I find that idea comforting and offer it to you. "The sun always rises." ~Kathy

20 December 2020 at 00:05
Caree Risover said…
Thank you everyone for your sympathy and understanding. Your comments really have been appreciated.
27 December 2020 at 19:15
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